We’ve talked many times about how there is a major “cultural contingency” at our church– mainly, a high majority of Russian immigrants. Normally, this would be kind of cool, but it actually takes a good deal of patience and understanding. The cultural divide is pretty wide, mostly because Russians are…how shall we put this…pushy. I’m not being nitpicky. It’s a pretty big deal, mainly because it flies in the face of many American sensibilities I didn’t even know we had! For instance, we take it for granted that people know how to stand in line. Russians do not. They push their way to the front– not because they’re intending rudeness, but because they don’t know any different. I used to get offended…okay, who are we kidding, I still do.
When this happens in regards to food, it’s *a little* easier to be forgiving. Many of the Russians we have in our parish lived through the Communist movement in Russia. They push their way to the front of the line and take heaving “first” helpings, because they’re used to a world where there might not be more. They’re still wired to think that each meal might be their last. Many have also refused to be in any sort of photograph or directory, because they’re still afraid of certain KGB who might be looking for them. It really helps to understand where these people are coming from, because it helps when trying to muster compassion for a big Babushka who’s just shoved herself in front of you.
The same goes for conversation and communication. Americans are apparently way too subtle.
Enter my “awkward” situation.
I’ve talked before about my Mei Tai carrier and how much I love it. G falls asleep in it every afternoon while I’m doing chores. For some reason, he feels more comfortable in it than any of his other carriers (even though I prefer the Ergo carrier for my achy back!) and as a result, behaves a million times better. Lately, he’s started lighting up like a Christmas tree whenever he sees me come towards him with it– he likes being held in it that much! Plus, it’s lightweight and keeps us from getting too sweaty, even in the heat. And it folds up really easily in a suitcase. And I can put it on and have G in it in less than 10 seconds.
Really, I can’t say enough about my Mei Tai. Out of my 4 carriers, it’s definitely my favorite. And it’s definitely G’s favorite.
Apparently, it’s also caught the eye of a Russian woman at church. She’s pregnant with her second child, due in November.
The first time she approached me about it, I was wearing G in the back of church, attempting to coax him into a nap (I can only do this with the Mei Tai!). She said she tried the Bjorn with her first child, but couldn’t get into it since it wasn’t comfortable. Mine, however, looked different, she said. She immediately popped out her i-phone and took notes, as I gave her every website I could think of. Mei Tais are everywhere– you can get them custom made with army fatigues, skulls, owls, flowers, you name it! Someone, somewhere, makes it!
That was the first time. The next Sunday I used the Mei Tai, she came over again, saying the same things, doting over the carrier. In so doing, she also proved another Russian stereotype to be true– they don’t know that most conversations should wait until after the service is over! Instead, they drop anything and everything to have a conversation in the back of church, not even bothering to whisper. The acoustics of our particular church are such that you can actually hear people in the back louder than those in front, making it very distracting for the entire congregation if even ONE child is screaming or having a fit. Or, as the case may be, if ONE adult decides to hold a loud conversation about how much they like your carrier!
As distracted as I was, trying not to be too embarrassed, I still got her message loud and clear– she wanted to borrow my carrier so that her mom could make a pattern from it and sew one just like it for her. I said that that wasn’t necessary, there are many patterns online specifically detailing how to make your own. I also felt a little pushed around, seeing as she was basically telling me to give her the carrier to borrow– not even asking!
Somehow, I made my way out of that (I think I walked away…growing chicken feathers all over…)
The next week, I wasn’t even at church, but the same woman approached Courtney and asked where I was because she wanted to talk about the carrier.
So (being the strong and confident woman I am, haha), I’ve stopped wearing the carrier to church, using only my Ergo or Moby. If she was coveting my carrier, I didn’t want to cause her to sin by rubbing it in her face. I also thought that if she didn’t see me wearing it, she wouldn’t recognize me (she doesn’t even know my name!). And it worked– for a while, at least.
Last Sunday, however, she approached me yet AGAIN, this time trying to buy or rent it from me (again, I wasn’t even wearing it). She even said, “He looks like he’s probably too big for it– you don’t need it anymore, right?”
Once again, I tried to be polite, telling her I planned on wearing Gregory for many more months and would probably have more children. I also gave her instructions for finding one just like it online. Any American would’ve understood that the carrier was NOT FOR SALE. She was beyond dropping hints, she was pestering me into giving it to her.
As this past week went on, I found myself getting more and more annoyed, mostly because there’s a part of me that feels I should just give it to her. It’s an earthly possession, and, as such, should be easy for me to give up. I never want to think that I am so tied to “stuff” that I couldn’t get rid of it at a moment’s notice.
Also, it was a generous hand-me-down from a friend (generous, because it was hand sewn and these things go for over $100!). I felt so hypocritical, not being willing to gift something that was gifted to me.
On the other HAND, it has sentimental value for me now. I think of my friend every time I wear it. On top of it, I wasn’t even sure it was mine to give! What if it was only a temporary gift? That part was never made really clear to me.
After mulling it over this week, I went to my friend today at church and, without any background information as to why, asked her whether she would ever want it back. She said no, it was mine to keep. I groaned, and told her the story thus far. She was annoyed for me, and said, “nevermind! It’s NOT yours to give away, you need to keep it!”
On the way home from church, I ran the whole thing by Jesse and he said that I shouldn’t “reward” the woman’s behavior. I should just be firm and say, “No”.
I’m still in a quandary about it all. In a way, it’s not the woman’s fault that I’m unused to being so firm. It feels pretty bitchy to me. Then again, I’d feel a lot less bitchy towards her in my heart if I could just make her stop asking. At this point, if I gave it to her it would be out of cowardly avoidance, not kindness and charity.
*sigh*. I wish I was a better person.
On top of it all, this woman’s 6 year old daughter came up to me while I was nursing G today, said, “I want to see baby.” and, without asking or waiting, pulled down my nursing cover so she could peek in. I was too shocked to move! No American child would ever do that! Hello, BOUNDARIES?? Instead of telling her to stop or apologizing for her, both parents said, “Isn’t that sweet? She loves to watch babies nursing.” Grrrr……
If I do end up giving or selling it to her, I just discovered the “Baby Hawk” version of the Mei Tai carriers– just like them, but with a few added bonus features, like a foldable neck support and a pacifier clip. And there are soo many patterns to choose from, even owls!
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nyx says
ooof! Yeah, Justin has stories about Russians from mission trips there. Mexico is to SoCal youth groups as Russia is to Anchorage youth groups; but, yeah, apparently when you say you like something it conveys a cultural obligation to give the said item to the person who likes it….definitely gets abused at times…Feel free to be a rude American. 😉
Elise says
I agree with Jesse: do not reward the behavior, be firm and say “no”. You’ve been generous with your information, but your carrier has particular value to you (sentimental – gift from friend.)
Beth says
For the record, I’m with Jesse. And I read the post to Justin just now and he totally agrees. And you definitely should not feel selfish or uncharitable – you are currently using it. That’s ridiculous of her to ask. It’d be one thing if it were sitting around collecting dust, or you weren’t planning on having more kids… but that is NOT the case. It was a gift for you. You and G have bonded in it and through it. And like that woman already said – her mom can make her one. The patterns are available online!!!