(You can see a recent update/followup to this post here)
Lucky are those who are born in a house and live with their parents all their life without having to leave them and live with another family. Becoming a foster carer is one of the most beautiful things a person could do, especially in today’s day and age where there are kids piling up at orphanages. The real reason for me to come up with this post was because our neighbour with the help of blueskyfostering.com just became a proud mother of a girl she just adopted. If you are still in the dark about a few of the facts of foster care, I would recommend you continue reading the following post.
1. When it comes to your kid’s background and story, you will be the last to know about almost everything. It’s frustrating, to be sure, because as the foster parent, you want to know what you’re in for, right? But confidentiality takes precedent. I know someone who didn’t even know the name of the child’s birth parents until months after the placement began. You definitely won’t know who the prior placements were or why they left unless you do some of your own digging.
My Two Favorite Posts of 2014 |
What Foster Parents REALLY Need |
That God May Be Glorified |
The Blessings After Foster Parenting |
Gretchen says
You are such a source of wisdom! Your transparency is super encouraging and I know you are a impacting many parents and children by sharing your journey! xoxo
themrscone says
Thank you, Gretchen!
A Life From Scratch says
This is wonderfully honest and true. I admire what you’re doing. You are making a MASSIVE difference!
themrscone says
Thanks, Courtney!
Seana Turner says
So, my question after reading this is: “Do you think this is a good system?” An outsider’s perspective is that the system is not set up to make the foster parent be able to do all that she wishes to do… and I’d be curious if you had thoughts on how to change it to make it better.
themrscone says
It’s hard to determine what would make things better, other than fewer caseloads for social workers so they had time to be proactive instead of just putting out fires. We’ve dealt with 3 social workers, only one of whom has been competent. But it’s a broken system because it is dealing with a broken thing. Parents aren’t supposed to become drug addicts and endanger their children (75% of cases in our county). It’s not the way things were meant to be. Anything that we do to clean up the mess is going to be less than perfect when dealing with such a messed up situation.
K.S says
Competent social worker…..that’s in the same category as a unicorn or the pot at the end of a rainbow.
ShesWrite says
Wow. What a wonderful list, and your candidness, courage and grace come through so beautifully in this post. I remember when I was in college, I thought that it’d be a challenge, but one that I wanted when I became a parent to also have a foster home. Now that I’m older and have two small ones, I can’t imagine I’d be able to handle it with the grace necessary. My hats off to you for doing this. Such a big heart you must have. Visiting from SITS.
themrscone says
Thanks for stopping by! Part of me thinks that we’d be better at this once our kids are grown and moved out. We’ll see though!
Sam says
Wow! I appreciate this post more than I can put into words. Fostering and adoption is something that has been on my heart since I was a child. I grew up with friends that were fosters or adopted themselves so I learned a lot. Now it’s something we have at the forefront of our minds for our family in the future. A lot of our other plans and ideas are built around the hope to foster and/or adopt some day. Thank you for the straightforward truth!
themrscone says
Sam, I’m glad it was useful to you! Thanks for stopping by. Feel free to ask any questions!
Samantha Angell says
This is a great article! I’ve read some books on fostering, and I think this speaks true to a lot of the stories I have heard! Like another reader said, I admire what your doing. Good for you! Visiting from #letsbefriends today, and looking forward to following along with you!
themrscone says
Thank you for stopping by, Samantha!
Leslie Jennings says
It’s nice to hear the facts about foster care from someone who is being open and honest. Fostering twins is in my near future and it’s great to hear these things and know we’re not alone. Thanks for being candid & honest!
Kelly Cone says
Leslie, glad to help! You can always email or ask questions. We’ve only been doing this for about a year and a half, but we’ve definitely been through the wringer 🙂
tjloftis says
About 17 or 18 months here and we’ve been through the wringer many times. It seem like when we have to go to family/DCS meetings the foster parents are the ones being attacked by the parents and other family members, their lawyers and DCS more than the real parents.
Jim Didion says
Great article. There are so many books and articles that sugar coat the system. Even the social workers can paint a little more rosy picture than what is reality. Be prepared for the unexpected and never forget to ask others for help. But with all the heartache, it’s a very rewarding experience if you do it for the right reasons.
Kelly Cone says
Thanks! Social workers probably paint it a little rosy because it’s all relative, and what “normal” looks like gets so easy skewed when you deal with this stuff day in and out. What looks like a lot of work to a social worker means it’s a TON of work!
Jim Didion says
I agree 1000%. It is a matter of perspective. Foster parents, especially new foster parents, need to learn that normal to a social worker may still be a very challenging child.
Mary Chambers Bays says
This is all very true. We are a specialized foster home and on an average I take the kids to 3 doctor/dental appointments a week, this DOESN’T include their weekly therapy appointments. We will be adopting again next month and we are thinking about letting our license expire after that. Being a Foster Parent is so much harder than you can imagine but the littlest progress that the kids make like going a half of a school year without getting suspended is like winning the lottery. Baby steps, baby steps….
Kelly Cone says
It’s true! Our siblings haven’t had a vicious fight in a few months, and this is enough to make me feel teary, it feels like such a victory.
Kelly Cone says
And I totally know what you mean about letting your license expire. After these kids we have leave us for a permanent adoptive home, we’re thinking of taking a little break. The toll it’s taking on our very young bio kids is pretty rough.
tjloftis says
I’m don’t blame the children for having sorry parents and I feel sorry for them but it does take a big toll on the whole family.
terrilynnmerritts says
Good article. I think, despite the difficulties and challenges, that foster parenting and adoption are just two of the best things in life. You really make a difference and will never again sweat the small stuff because you can see where these kids have been in life and what they have faced and they enrich your life so much. My love to all of you who care enough to do this.
themrscone says
Thank you so much for your encouragement and support. Many things pale in comparison when faced with the reality of what these kids have had to deal with.
Lisa says
You forgot to add, don’t let these things stop you! Dealing with the state is as hard as dealing with the children, but foster care is addictive and desperately needed work. Don’t give up! Show those children there is something different out there than what they have known!
tjloftis says
Being a Resource Parent in Tenn. in which I believe is number 3 as DSC being the worse, all 10 of these are true but number 11 should be all the running around that a foster parent has to do, drive many miles to visited the children parents for 2 hours, having to watch bad parents treating their children badly, having a case worker that will not work with you on getting the children much needed medications because the bio-mom has to sign the paper’s to do it, having to drive to court many miles time after time just to watch it be put off, it took us over a year and we had to watch the children suffer and having put a lot of stress on our family, we’ve had as many as 8 with 3 having to be taken out of our home and another 12 year old boy is pushing us really hard to get out, if you are planning on doing it for the money well you add up the material things they tear up, the gas and wear and tear on the cars, the taking time to go to school because of the trouble they cause, wanting 3 meals a day, stress eating, taking them to counseling week after week that doesn’t do any good and seems to make things worse. Resource Parents have rights and a person should learn those rights before doing this and not depend on the case worker because most will not tell you your rights and most do not care about the mental state of the children, they want to get them back home for the bonus. Children these day’s have taken over the household and get any thing they want but we do not reward children for bad behavior, but we fight for the children and it’s worth it in the long run but this can affect your career big time.
Adria Murphy says
Hi, it’s Adria! I was perusing articles and tips on foster care on pinterest when I saw this post and got really excited: aaah! I know her! I’ve never before stumbled upon an article or post written by someone I know when randomly scrolling through pinterest! I recently became certified as a foster parent! I’ve read your blog before, when you’ve linked to it on FB. I’m so excited that I’ll be able to read your posts now, not just as an interested acquaintance, but as a fellow foster parent! Yay! Love and gratitude for your words, even the hard ones. It’s good to know what I’m getting into!
Kelly Cone says
Wow, Adria! You’d be a great foster parent! Let me know if you ever need anything.
Deanna Willson Rounds says
I work for the “system” and you all have very valid complaints! I would ask that if things are getting to you or you feel overwhelmed let us know sooner rather than later! I am a resource coordinator and as such my job is to support foster parents. I am not sure if all states have this position but I have told my fosters that they can reach out to me and I will get them answers even if it takes a day or two. My state is also working on a mentoring program to connect new foster families with experienced ones. If you all have suggestions I would love to hear them – I want my fosters to feel as though they can come to me.