November 2013 - Our Cone Zone

Perhaps it’s just the fact that in 2 days, I will have FOUR KIDS to take care of. Maybe it’s the business of the holidays approaching (we’re hosting Thanksgiving tomorrow!). Maybe it’s the fact that I just held a piano recital– one of the two major events that keeps my self-employment afloat.

Whatever it is, I am having a hard time keeping my thoughts in check.

By this, I don’t mean that I am thinking about the wrong things, necessarily. But the Orthodox church is very Eastern in that they teach we should be aiming for stillness of mind. God can, but usually does not speak into a whirlwind. He waits for the calm. He waits for when we can actually hear Him without hearing our own echos instead.

And I am anything but “still” inside these days. I am eager to get “back on the horse” with foster care, because I cannot bear the thought of any child going without a loving home. But there are costs associated with caring for two boys, like personal time and space. We had both of them the other night for dinner and it was a MADHOUSE in here. 3 were jumping on the couch at one point, while AJ was tossing glass things out of cupboards.

But when I think of problems other Christians have to face in order to fulfill the calling of the church, ours look insignificant. It’s good to remember, not just as an antidote, but as a reality check. Christians in Syria are being told at gunpoint convert to Islam or die. Most have already fled their homes and are refugees. Other Christians, including priests and bishops, are getting beheaded with pocket knives (so as to inflict the maximum amount of pain).

Hmm. My kid had to give up his playroom. I won’t get “time to myself” until after kids are in bed at 8:30. Yesterday, I did 4 loads of crusty socks/underwear (their old foster mom dropped off all their clothes in trash bags, completely dirty!). I might have to make two dinners most nights, taking 5 minutes in a microwave.

Perspective, it’s good.

But stillness is not an option. It’s necessary. I need to find a way to carve this out every single morning. I know that many Christians talk about their daily mornings reading the Bible, and I in no way want to discourage that. But reading the Bible has almost never worked for me, unless I just read Psalms.

I also don’t want to journal requests or just “talk” to Him, as these often become a hollow echo chamber. I never felt closer to God when I did those things– I felt closer to myself. And when I was miserable, near myself was the last place I wanted to be! My thoughts are a whirlwind, and I need an outside source to clear them.

I want to talk to God. I want to use the prayers of the church to clear my mind and wait for Him to speak to me. Every Sunday when I reach church, my mind settles. Things become clear. I feel at home and at peace. Last Sunday evening, I cried and told Jesse just how frustrating it was to have to leave church. Going back into the whirlwind of the world is so grating and painful after the peace of worshipping with the angels.

The last thing Satan wants is for us to find this stillness with God, and foster care/adoption is the ultimate battle ground. I know from experience that I will have to fight tooth and nail to find this stillness. It was harder than ever to find that when we were in the midst of our crisis with C, and it nearly destroyed us.

But Satan messed up. Because I was under such distress, I finally reached out to God in a way I never had before. I found and experienced that peace in a direct way for the first time. I have experienced it first hand, and I want it more now than I ever did.

Please, pray for me, a sinner.