Last Tuesday, I took Gregory to see Frozen. A one on one date with my 3 year old was just what the doctor ordered. You see, one of the things that makes foster care harder than parenting bio children is that all of a sudden, the birth order gets completely messed up. Instead of having years to gradually settle into family patterns, things happen overnight. Crash bang boom. Instead of growing a plant stem with leaves, you graft one on with some duct tape.
How does this manifest itself in real life?
Our 10 year old foster boy has never had to be the oldest, and yet now he is the oldest of 4. It isn’t that he is buckling under the pressure of having lots of younger “siblings”, it’s that his older brother was placed elsewhere. Now, he has psychologically taken on responsibilities and worries he didn’t used to. Bless his heart, he’s so sweet and forthcoming that this hasn’t been too big of an issue, but I really wish I could help him more, you know? As the oldest of 4, I know how hard it was. I can’t imagine how hard it would’ve been to be thrown into it overnight!
Our 5 year old foster boy has ALWAYS been the baby of his families. And now? He’s the second oldest of 4! Instead of getting baby like treatment, he’s expected to act his age, mostly out of necessity. For instance, when we go places, I can’t exactly carry him because I have two babies, one of whom doesn’t walk long distances! He’s becoming very clingy and intentionally helpless to see where the line actually is. He only feels love when he is helpless and getting cared for.
For my biological boys, Gregory is used to being the oldest and getting lots of attention. Now, he’s a true middle child. He gets told constantly by the older two that he isn’t old enough to join them, and he’ll respond with, “But…I’m a BIG boy!” in this sad, confused tone. It breaks my heart. He’s responded by being even bossier than usual (his nickname already was “bossy buffers”, a term borrowed from Thomas the Tank Engine!) and picking fights with others just to win.
AJ, my 1.5 year old, is the only one who hasn’t “suffered” as a result of all this crazy birth order switching about. He was the baby of the family before all this, and he is the baby even more now. His nickname is often, “The Prince”, because he demands and gets whatever he wants, most of the time. Our oldest foster child has taken an extreme liking to AJ and offers to get him in and out of his carseat wherever we go (I always check to make sure it’s done properly). He plays with AJ, gets him snacks or juice when he needs it, and goes out of his way to tell me if he’s asking for anything else. When all 4 boys were being babysat by my parents the other day, our foster boy even “translated” some of AJ’s garbled words for my parents, who couldn’t figure out what in the world he was saying!
Long and short of it, having four boys under 10 in one family is HARD– having 2 foster kids and 2 bio kids is even harder. Big families only survive by learning their own intricate dance, and we are still clunking around stepping on each other’s toes.
But you know what? The minute Jesse and I identified this hardship and discussed it, we felt a lot better about it all. We realized that many of our blunders and frustrations were just resulting from this huge birth order switch, and that the only thing that could heal it was time. Identifying this helped us ease up a bit, giving ourselves and the boys a bit more leeway.
Which brings me to the main thing I wanted to say today– one of the biggest things foster parents deal with is Self Condemnation. Parenting is a hard enough guilt trip as it is. Every little move is under self-scrutiny because one worries about messing up their kid for life.
The pressure is even worse when you’re a foster parent, because you have the eyes of the government upon you. You have the input from social workers and therapists. You have two kids who you just met, relying on you to be the parent they’ve always wanted. In some cases, you know that you’re their last chance for stability. The pressure is unbelievable.
This pressure is even worse for Christian foster parents, in my opinion. Because we believe that adoption and caring for the downtrodden is part of our calling as human beings, when things get tough it’s hard not to wonder if you should be doing better? If perhaps you should just toughen up? It’s hard to stand up for your own rights and the needs of your family when you also feel a deep emotional and spiritual calling not to fail.
This pressure inevitably turns into guilt. And guilt isolates.
My sister in law (a social worker and previous foster parent) and I have talked many times about we wished there was more of an online community for like-minded foster parents around the globe. Because so many case details are confidential, foster parents become isolated and begin to drown in their guilt, simply because no one understands what they are going through. We’ve been talking about changing all that by developing an online forum where people can submit anonymous stories and tips to help others. For potential foster parents still looking into things, this type of site would be invaluable to their learning and preparation.
This forum wouldn’t just be about letting people who have troubles vent. It would also be a place where foster parents could share anonymous stories of joy and success. I know that when we went through all the trauma with our first placement, scouring websites for success stories helped me find hope. It was one of the only ways I got through that dark time, even though our story didn’t end like the ones I’d read about.
For instance, even though I’ve shared here about how the birth order switch around has been hard, we’ve also LOVED having these boys as a part of our family. Even though Gregory often feels the negative effects of being a middle child, he also can’t wait until his “older brothers” get home from school. He asks about them all day long. He watches their older boy games with such glee, that sometimes he can’t contain it and has to dance around! Other than spreading sickness to one another (holy moly!! They’re all such petri dishes!), our foster care story has been as close to ideal as you could make it. Even our social worker is one of the best I’ve seen or heard about.
Gregory’s face as he watches his “older brothers” playing
The details for such an online forum have yet to be worked out, but if you have a story that you would like to submit and have published (anonymously, of course!), please email me and I’d love to make it happen. These foster/adoption stories need to be shared, because for every traumatic story, there’s also an uplifting one. We don’t have to be alone.
 That God May Be Glorified |
 10 Things I Never Knew About Foster Care |
 Being A Mom Is Hard |
 The Blessings After Foster Parenting |
