Mercy Towards Others

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Pascha Lilies

 

Honest Moment: Lately, I’ve just about had it with our 5 year old foster child. Over the past 6 months that we’ve had him, he’s exhibited normal young-boy behavior– crazy off the wall screaming most moments, daredevil stunts that make me think we’re going to the ER, arguing about toys.

But in the past month, his behavior has been outright destructive. Just in the past few weeks, he’s been peeing all over the house, picking holes in the drywall near his bed, pulling tires off of my kids’ toys and flushing them down the toilet “just to see what will happen”, and, the worst one yesterday, destroying with a shovel one of the garden beds I’ve worked so hard on. And the worst part? He lies so sweetly and innocently about it all, that it’s difficult to find out the truth.

Sigh. The trained “therapeutic foster mom” in me says, “Well, good! If he’s feeling the need to hurt things, at least he’s not hurting himself.”

But the selfish momma part of me is saying, “No fair! The first couple months are supposed to be the hardest! Not the last! I don’t WANT my things broken! I don’t want pee all over my house!”

I’ll admit, after yesterday’s garden bed incident, it was hard for me to look at him. I actually sent him away to his room while I called a few people and vented.

And then, for some reason, one of my favorite songs from childhood popped into my head. It was a song that we used to sing at my Presbyterian church, based on this verse from Lamentations: “Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.”

I remember how we used to sing that part over and over again: “New every morning”. God renews the covenant He made with us every morning, because we’re always destroying his creation, whether it be our own hearts or those around us.

A few hours later, I pulled our 5 year old in for a hug and told him that I forgave him even though he hurt me. I was even able to tell him that I loved him. I shocked even myself.

Because although my Therapeutic Foster Voice told me to dismiss it, and the Selfish Voice told me it wasn’t fair, the Loved Voice told me that I don’t need to rely on my own strength or love in these moments. I can borrow them from my Savior.

Why Emotion Is Bad For A Foster Parent

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Why Emotion Is Bad For a Foster Parent

Sometimes, this blog becomes a how-to tutorial guide for foster parenting, simply because I am processing my own journey as a 20-something year old mom and foster parent. And I’m okay with that. I am a verbal processor, and I’ve found that when I’m able to write about things, I’m in a good place. It’s when I can’t write, when the words just won’t come, that I know I’m in trouble.

For instance, last winter, when we were in the midst of our first foster placement, my life and my thoughts were in such tumult, I stopped writing. Literally. This blog (which wasn’t even public but had a few followers) was a ghost town. I was afraid to start processing, afraid to actually admit how bad and out of control things were.

Our current foster placement, which started only 8 months after the first one ended, has been a completely different story. Second time around, I’ve found that confidence and momentum that only happens through trial and error. We received a TON of training for our first placement– around 40 hours worth. And when none of it seemed to help or work, we doubted ourselves and wondered, deep down, “Is the problem US?” Now, second time around, all of the training is coming in handy. The communication habits and special-needs nurturing that we were taught are WORKING. When crisis hits and our foster kids are spiraling, we know how to help them out. It’s amazing, and very uplifting, to know that we are making a difference in a very tangible way.

One of the biggest lessons I am learning as a foster parent is that emotion is often the enemy.

This concept is so counter-intuitive. Half of the time, the reason people get into foster parenting is because they “feel” a calling. They can’t ignore the millions of helpless and hurting orphans in their own backyard because it HURTS.

I get it completely. Just take a few minutes to watch this incredible video (which has been named best short picture by multiple film festivals), and tell me you don’t feel called to be a foster parent.

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While emotions are often what gets us in the game, they are harmful once in the everyday trenches. Here’s why: foster kids, in large part, have NO control over their emotions. They are almost always at the whim of the deep and dark feelings swirling around them. The only way they cope, in large part, is through numbing themselves with distractions.

But when frustration hits? Disturbances such as getting a bad grade, losing a possession, not getting what they want, etc. don’t just upset them. These things TANK them. The kids fall apart at the seams. I’ve seen our ten year old act like a small toddler when disappointed, and it’s not even like he can help it. There’s a huge lava current right under the surface, and one small scratch produces a volcano.

These eruptions are what make parents afraid to foster kids. They see the volcano and think that the kid is damaged or dangerous. And some are. But for the most part, the foster kids I’ve seen and heard about just have NO way to process or handle their emotions, and they let it all loose. Sometimes, our kids even lose control of their limbs! They cannot process the emotions flooding them on all sides, and they almost fall into a seizure state of sorts.

Even when they don’t “visibly” lose control of their bodies, they are just as out of control internally, and they look for someway to regain the high ground. They look for a comfy spot, and, sadly, the most comfortable thing for them is rejection and conflict because it’s the most consistent thing in their life. Healthy children run to the arms of their parents, and hurt, neglected children run into the arms of chaos. It makes them feel some semblance of control.

This is where a foster parent can get into serious trouble. Foster kids have a superhuman ability to read people, because it’s how they’ve learned to survive. And, trust me, they’ve already learned how to push buttons one doesn’t even know they HAVE. And they will push them, one by one, until they feel they’ve arrived back in a familiar place of rejection and devastation, taking the parent down with them.

It’s not they’re mean spirited or bad– they just don’t know anything else. And once they take the parent down, causing everyone to lose their temper, they don’t feel any better. And the parent feels beaten, wondering why they ever got into this at all. They may even consider calling it quits, a thought that they will try to hide, not knowing it is broadcasting loud and clear.

Obviously, this cycle is counter-productive for a normal healthy life, right? This is why half of our training revolved around something called, “Staying on Your Platform”. There are dozens of things that try to knock a parent off their platform every day, but the key is identifying certain calming techniques and having them handy at a moment’s notice. Our training encouraged us to find our own “safe” zones, and, if we were ever feeling that we weren’t performing at our peak, we were to retreat and collect ourselves before attempting any parenting.

Our first time around, we weren’t able to stay on our platform for long, no matter how hard we fought. The results were devastating for the emotional stability of our family. This time around, however, Jesse and I have realized that we are able to stop the train before it derails. We know when we’re feeling out of control or burnt out, and we stop things, take a step back, reevaluate, and do what needs to be done for change.

The whole reason staying on one’s platform is important is because the foster child desperately NEEDS you to reject their bait. There are exceptions where a caring, nurturing listener is needed, but, honestly, half of the time what the foster child needs is for someone to be unmoved by their ranting and raving. Someone who isn’t phased. Because it sends the message that somehow, somewhere, someone is calm and consistent. Someone is a rock for them to cling to when things get crazy. If the parent gets swept up with them, cries with them, gets upset with them, the child won’t feel like they have a friend– they will feel let down.

I can’t tell you how many times we’ve seen this prove true, time and time again. The times when I think I’m being a caring listener are when things spin off into hellish dimensions of crisis and pain. The times when  think I’m being cold and heartless? The child snaps out of it and becomes calm. It’s so counter-intuitive, it’s uncanny.

The cold/heartless approach works especially well for manipulation. Our training taught us to basically be a broken record, saying the same thing over and over, something usually along the lines of, “I’m sorry you are making this choice. I am making this choice, and this is what I’m going to do.” Over.And.Over. I even had to learn how to do this with someone cussing up in my face. Even while I was shaking like a leaf, I was able to repeat the words, over and over again, and get out of the situation.

Don’t get me wrong– there is definitely a place for compassionate listening. But there is a difference between listening and getting caught up in the problem. I constantly remind myself when I’m listening, “This is their problem, not mine”, because it helps my emotions to stay out of the picture. I can effectively listen and help give them words to voice their feelings without letting my own frustrations color the picture.

My sister in law (I quote her often!) phrased it this way– they are on a roller coaster, a swerving line going up and down and every which way. We NEED to be the flat line, the one that doesn’t peak, the one that stays constant, so that they always know they have something to come back to.

Emotions aren’t only harmful when dealing with the foster children. They can also be harmful when dealing with birth parents and social workers. Birth parents, in particular, are definitely known for being manipulative. One social worker said to me, “If our birth parents spent half the energy they use to FIGHT the system to actually work their program, there wouldn’t be kids in foster care.” Letting one’s emotions in can cause anxiety and anger, because there is no control in foster care. There is no definite plan. There are only maybes, surrounded in large areas of gray. Getting rid of emotions over the entire situation is the only way to stay on one’s platform and stay in the moment.

The emotions will be there, don’t get me wrong. And, when not dealt with, they will volcano forth, just like the foster children. I am so lucky to have Jesse and my sister in law, with whom I can vent the raw emotions.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve put the children to bed and cried for their situation, cried for the hurts they’ve been dealt, ached and groaned for their turmoil. But I let it out, get it out of my system, and prepare for another day in which they don’t know I could’ve easily been swept up with them.

It can be done. I used to be an open book, someone who’s emotions tossed them around on a daily/hourly basis. And I still am, in many ways, especially with those who are close to me. But because of being a foster parent, I’ve learned to separate my emotions out of the immediate, and deal with things I never thought I’d be brave enough to.

Being a foster parent– it’s crazy stuff, people. But it’s good crazy. If I can do it, you can do it too. Truly. And you’ll be so much better for it.

What Foster Parents REALLY Need

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What Foster Parents Really Need

I mentioned in my post on Saturday that I did the kitchen backsplash because I needed a “win”. I had just finished up a foster care meeting, the usual kind that happen every other month, where the room was filled with professionals all looking at me to provide them answers for the questions on their forms. One person in particular was extremely overbearing, interrupting me at every turn, telling me what I should’ve done better or differently.

I can guarantee you, she wasn’t even right about half of it. Probably wasn’t even right about most of it.

But it killed me. I got home and cried for hours.

You see, the biggest thing foster parents struggle with is self-doubt. Parenting has it’s own struggles with this particular monster, because you suddenly realize that all that “stuff you knew” about raising kids might not apply to the fragile baby in your arms. Whereas you knew what to do when a friend’s baby was crying, all of a sudden your own baby’s screams have you paralyzed. You may know what to say to that kid screaming in the grocery store, but the moment it’s your own, you feel like giving them anything just to make people stop staring.

Foster parenting is that, times 10. You have nearly a dozen “professionals” in your life, many who have never been parents or foster parents and are throwing textbook answers at you. They’ve never been in the trenches. This is a job for them. They’ve never known what it’s like to never get to clock out, to have the “job” stay with you 100% of the time. Even when the kids are in school, my “break” so to speak, I’m on the phone informing these professionals, making appointments, updating their ever-changing files to meet their ever-changing needs.  And that’s before I even get to the needs of me and my own kids.

This woman may not have known that I walked into that meeting, already fragile. You see, lately I’ve been wondering if I have what it takes. Foster parenting isn’t just daunting because of the kids we serve, it’s daunting because serving in this capacity brings you face to face with yourself in the rawest form possible. And you don’t always like what you see.

For me, I see a person who is SO tired. I don’t have limitless energy, which is often what this job requires. Our two kids are 5 and 10, but they still act like newborns in many ways, waking up multiple times with night terrors or vomiting episodes from their anxiety. We have to go all day and then go all night too. Not to mention, our own 2 year old’s molars are coming in, so he’s been up every other night screaming as well.

I see a person who runs out of patience VERY quickly. A person who takes normal 5 year old antics and makes them seem like the worst thing ever in the moment.

I see a person who cares for the needs of four children all day and forgets to care about her husband.

I see a person who is on the phone so much, she has no time for her friends and family– the ones she REALLY wishes she was talking to.

I see a person who is worried about money, despite the fact that God keeps providing at every turn.

And I wonder– am I really cut out for this? Perhaps my heart is big, but my hands are way too small.

I told all this to my priest during confession this last Thursday. And you know what he said? He said I need to come to confession more often. Not because anything I’d said was so bad. It is because I spend so much time beating myself up in between. He said I need to hear and feel God’s unconditional love and forgiveness more often.

Family, friends, readers– if you want to know how to support foster parents, here it is in a nutshell. Sure, money is nice. Your time and help are even nicer.

But a kind word? A pat on the back? A validating statement? Those are what every foster parent needs to hear, daily, hourly, as many times as possible. They are not only fighting the battles of the children in their care, they are also being faced with the biggest battle of all– crippling self doubt.

Validation is to foster parents like coffee is to college students. Suddenly that test, that tough studying session, that job interview, all of it seems easier. A little bit of validation helps a foster parent more than any advice or info ever could. A validated parent can go above and beyond and do many things they didn’t originally think possible.

Thank God I had my sister in law to calm me down that day. You see, she is also in the social work field. One of the reasons she’s so good at her job is because she herself IS a parent to a girl she fostered and adopted. Having been there and done that, she encouraged me to shut this woman’s words out. She empowered me and made me feel validated once again.

And if you’re a foster parent like me? That negative person in your life? Cut them out. Even if they are well meaning, your energy should be going towards battles for your foster children, not towards controlling what people say to you. Only surround yourself with people who empower you to do your job well. It’s not your problem, it’s theirs. There are enough healthy professionals in the world who know how to support you instead of tearing you down.

Parents and foster parents alike– you have the toughest job out there. Keep it up.

10 Things I Never Knew About Foster Care

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10ThingsINeverKnewAboutFosterCare

(You can see a recent update/followup to this post here)

1. When it comes to your kid’s background and story, you will be the last to know about almost everything. It’s frustrating, to be sure, because as the foster parent, you want to know what you’re in for, right? But confidentiality takes precedent. I know someone who didn’t even know the name of the child’s birth parents until months after the placement began. You definitely won’t know who the prior placements were or why they left unless you do some of your own digging.

2. You will often feel very alone and like there’s no one who understands, even other parents. Foster parenting is so different than normal parenting, and there’s so little that you can share with others. On top of it all, parenting a traumatized child (every foster child is traumatized, in some sense, because leaving one’s home is terrible, no matter how bad of a situation they were in) is extremely different than normal parenting. You can’t operate using normal parenting tactics, because you could be triggering a past memory. The pressure is also a lot greater, as there are many cooks in the kitchen. When you make a big decision for that child, 5 other people have to also give their input and approval.
You also won’t be able to compare notes with other parents, even if their kids are similar in age. Kids who have undergone trauma develop at a different rate. While they may not have the ability to focus and sit still like other kids their age, they also have hyper aware capabilities that could rival those of an FBI agent. They won’t follow the normal patterns for growth and development.
3. Expect hours of phone calls and logistics every single week. On top of all the normal phone calls that one has to make for kids (school, doctor, dentist, after school activities) you also need to coordinate with a therapist, CASA worker, social worker, CSA visitation workers, birth parents and any TBS workers (special behavioral mentors). In our case, we times that by two since we have brothers. Last Friday, I counted the amount of business related text messages I made in a SINGLE afternoon– TWENTY-FIVE. If your child has any medical needs (most do, in some form), expect 6-8 hours worth of phone communication per child, per week. I’m not joking.
4. Expect little to no control. This is a large one. It’s very easy to experience foster-parent-burnout trying to control all the factors. The truth is, foster care is a huge lesson in letting go. You will hardly be able to predict the child you have, much less control anything about them. You won’t know when or if they’re being returned to their family, and you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to put a timeline on it. Come up with a few plans and contingencies, and then forget about it and focus on the day to day task of loving them. If you’re anxious about controlling things, the child will be too.
That being said, it’s easy to lose sight of what “normal” used to mean for you and your family once your foster care placement begins. Before it all begins, come up with 3 things you won’t budge on (special time once a week with your bio kids, quality of life, how far or how often you’re willing to drive to visits, etc.) and then consider everything else part of the “gray” area that you’re willing to let slide, if need be.
5. Don’t expect appreciation or affirmation from the kids. This may seem obvious, but after a while, when you’ve been “in the trenches” for a while, it’s easy to feel resentful towards your placements. Don’t they know how much you’ve done for them? But biological kids don’t know that they’re supposed to thank their mom for giving birth to them. Why should foster kids be any different? Kids are supposed to be hardwired to trust their caregivers and focus on other things. If they’re not thanking you, they’re probably comfortable and it’s a good sign.
6. Get ready to ask for help. Have a huge support system lined up ahead of time, because you’re going to need it. Foster parenting is a lot more exhausting than normal parenting, and there is no shame in asking for as much help as you can get your hands on. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed.
7. Plan in breaks. Have the names of family, friends, or official respite care ready to go ahead of time. Don’t feel guilty for needing a break to recharge your batteries. Attaching to kids placed in your home is incredibly draining, like trying to grow a limb overnight. It’s also exhausting for the kids! They probably need a break from you too.
8. Kids will try to exert control over something as a way to process the changes in their life. They just will. The trick is, are you going to control what it is that they get to control? Find things to give them choices about, and make sure you like the outcomes. For instance, if you’re serving vegetables for dinner, give them a choice between two of them so that they’re less likely to fight you. Food will almost always be the thing they try to control, because it’s such a basic part of everyday survival. Don’t go head to head with them, or it will turn into a long and ugly power struggle. Just give choices that you can live with. Having some measure of control will make the child feel safe. If you don’t give them something to exert control over, they will find it in some way or another. I know someone whose foster kid would resort to wetting the bed, just to have something they could control.
9. Never assume a child’s behavior is due to any one thing in particular. Ask don’t assume. You could not make up the stories that some of these kids have for their bizarre habits or actions.
In our training, we heard about a kid who refused to eat dinner at the same time as her foster family. The parents were angry, and kept trying to force her to eat with the family as a house rule, thinking she was being obstinate. Turns out, she came from a home where there was never enough to eat. She always ate last because she wanted to make sure her younger siblings had eaten enough first. It was a habit that she couldn’t break, and she was ashamed to talk about it.
I know of another kid who refused to pick up his toys and would always say, “throw them away!”  Turns out, he wasn’t being obstinate– his previous foster parent used to punish him for everything by throwing away his toys. He was saving his feelings and pre-empting the strike.
10. Have a therapist or confidant on speed dial– for YOU. We’ve been to over 60 hours of foster care training, and without fail, there’s always been that one parent who cannot shut up about their case. They are so torn up inside, that the moment they get into a room where they can talk, they NEVER STOP. They hijack the session and do more talking than the instructor!
And I completely understand– there’s SO much to talk about and process! Foster parenting is an incredible journey, but it’s a marathon. You need someone to talk to. If you’re married, prepare for foster parenting to be the hardest thing you’ve ever experienced together. Before you know it, the miscommunications pile up and can begin ripping a marriage apart. I’ve heard this from 99.9% of the foster parents I’ve talked to. Are you the 1% that’s above it all? If you’re thinking that way, you probably aren’t. Get a therapist ready to go. The success of the child in your care depends on it.
Did I miss any? Feel free to leave other helpful pieces of advice in the comments!