Mommy Guilt- Spending Time With The Kids

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One of the hardest things about being a mom is that nagging worry about whether you are “doing enough” for your kids. It doesn’t matter how many people tell you you’re doing great, or how many times you remind yourself that they are in God’s hands, ultimately, not yours. Sometimes, that worry is the loudest thing in your head and heart.

At other times, it’s not a worry, it’s an actual problem to solve. Am I doing enough for the kids? Is our time together at home profitable, spent building a relationship between us? Is their childhood fun, safe and imaginative?

As a stay-at-home mom who works 2-3 hours a day in the afternoons, this is a problem I am continually solving. I HAVE to go to work at least a few hours, as we’ve chosen to live in a very expensive county in California. We’ve also chosen for my husband to do something he loves for a living. Unfortunately, the school is only able to pay him an abysmal salary (I’m not being snooty or picky here, honestly).

But God’s made it clear that this is where we are supposed to be right now, which means I have to work. I am grateful every single day that he’s allowed me to grow my business into something I can do for just a few hours a day and double our income every month!

But it means I only have my mornings/early afternoons to spend with my boys. My precious toddler and crawler.

The one thing I am realizing, more than ever, is that I cannot measure things by how much actual “time” I spend with them. The quality of the time will depend greatly on their moods (and mine!).

And then there are the other factors– housework, phone calls and logistical stuff for my business, paying the bills, grocery shopping, making meals. Not to mention, anything I want to do for me, like shower or finish an exercise video.

I’ve heard the argument that the dishes will always be there, but the kids won’t. It’s a good reminder, really it is. But the reality is that I have to live here too. Dishes and bills piled up all around make me depressed. And I’m definitely not a good mom when I’m depressed.

And then there are the meals. I am not content to toss cooking to the wind and buy pre-packaged dinners, just because that would give me more time with the kids. Their long term health and growth is something I have to take into consideration. No matter how crazy things get, I am unwilling to let the quality of our food affect our health.

So ignoring all my responsibilities is not the answer. Quitting my job is not the answer. I have a limited time every day to spend with my boys (evenings don’t count much– everyone’s cranky before bedtime!). How am I supposed to make the most of it?

The answer is not going to be the same for both boys. Their personalities are wildly different. Gregory likes to play by himself 75% of the time (truly). If I interfere and try to play with him, he growls at me to go away. He wants the solitude, wants to enjoy his imaginative world by himself. He’d go absolutely bonkers if I structured his time with me at home. Sometimes, I interrupt him to ask if he wants to do a craft or wants to play outside. If he growls at me (again, where’d he learn that?) to go away, I know not to push it.

But that other 25% of the time? I can be there waiting. Drop what I’m doing if possible, knowing that most of the time, he doesn’t want me there. And that’s the thing about this kid– when he’s there, he’s THERE. 100%, no distractions. So we read books, sing silly songs, and pretend to eat his imaginative cooking. Spending quality time with Gregory means to be ready for when he’s ready.

Anthony, however, didn’t get his nickname, “The Barnacle” for nothing. We used to joke that there is an invisible umbilical cord, still attached. He wants to be held and cuddled and sung to at least twice an hour. I’m not joking. He’ll be playing by himself, and an internal alarm goes off inside of him and he crawls to me for a few hugs and kisses. Then he’s off again. Repeat, a few minutes later. He wants to play side by side with Gregory, but then he gets a warning growl and he backs off…usually.

Since he’s just 18 months old, I’m still figuring out how to love him best and spend quality time with him. It’s a no brainer that I should make sure to hug and kiss him every 10 minutes or so. I set aside around 15-20 minutes to rock him to sleep for his naps and bedtime because he just LOVES it. Soaks in every last second. Playing peekaboo games and singing songs naming all of his body parts seems to be a hit right now as well.

Will it ever be enough? I don’t know the answer to that, honestly. We can’t see the world from their perspective, we can only listen as hard as we can for whatever clues they can give us.

And if not? There’s always expensive therapy later on someday when we’re rich.

Just kidding.

Sort of.

 

P.S. Does anyone else have any good advice for how to spend quality time with your kids?

The Best Piano Books for Children (and adults!)

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As a piano teacher of over 9 years, the question I continually receive from my friends is, “What piano books are best for me to teach my kids with?”

Perhaps this question arises because I am mostly friends with homeschooling, DIY moms like myself. Instead of paying someone to teach our kids piano, we’d rather figure out a way to do it ourselves.

My biggest advice, even for those who are already piano teachers, is this: different kids should use different book series. Period. There is no, “best method”, unless you decide to only teach one type of kid. I have made it my mission to never turn down any kid of any learning ability, regardless of their age.

For this reason, over the course of 9 years of teaching in over 3 major cities (LA, Dallas, and SLO), I have arrived at a short list of what I believe to be the best books for each age group. This enumeration is based off of Pianonadu.com, which reviews pianos of all sorts.

Note: I am not sponsored for any of this. As a piano teacher/mom, I am just trying to help other moms out 🙂

Ages 3-4

Music for Little Mozarts

Music for Little Mozarts— Most people are shocked when I say that 3 and 4 year olds can learn to play the piano! We just cannot expect the same attention span and learning style as older kids. But they can. Honestly. This little book color codes all of the keys on the piano, instead of making the kid draw letters or numbers. By the end of Level One, they have graduated from using the black keys to the white keys, even mastering quarter notes and half notes. By the end of Level Two, they are even reading a little bit of actual sheet music!

The whole series of 4 Levels is great. The best ones are the Lesson and Workbooks, but the Discovery Books are great if you’re a mom who likes to sing and teach the kids fun songs to go along with what they’re learning. I was actually able to adapt the Discovery Book to create lessons plans for a Kinder-Music class one year!

Ages 4-6

 

Alfreds Prep Course

 

This series, Alfred’s Prep Course, follows after Music For Little Mozarts. It is the most universal series for kids in Kindergarten through 2nd grade. It can go a bit slow for some kids, however, so I don’t always use it. But it covers all the basics in a fun engaging way, with pictures that are reminiscent of old fashioned Winnie the Pooh.

If they need more of a challenge, John Thompson’s Easiest Piano Course works well. It moves a lot faster, but I’ve still made it work for 4 year olds and 7 year olds alike! The illustrated alien characters are a weird touch, but the kids like them 🙂

John Thompson Easy Beginner

Ages 5-8

Alfreds 1A

Once again, Alfred’s Basic Piano Course is the most universal. 9 times out of 10, if the kid is just beginning piano at age 6 or 7, I put them in this book. The criticism it receives (both from me and other piano teachers), is that kids get too comfortable just playing in one or two hand positions. They don’t view notes on the whole, and can only think of them in terms of what finger number plays them in what hand position. By the end of Level 1A, I make sure to bring in supplemental sheet music in a variety of hand positions so as to encourage them to grow “outside the box”.

And if I meet the kid and he/she would be better in something harder  (why I always do a “meet and greet” before buying books for the child), I use John Schaum’s course. Pre A (the one pictured) is great, but the following red book, Level A, is a terrible choice. I’ve had so many frustrated students in Level A, so many that I’ve stopped using it altogether. All of a sudden, without warning, it jumps up to some really hard stuff, like asking the kid to play in the key of E flat major! After just a few months of piano, most kids will not feel ready for that kind of jump, and when kids get frustrated, they quit.

John Schaum

Ages 8-15

Piano Faber

 

I absolutely love the Accelerated Piano Adventures by Faber. It has become my new favorite “go to” book for Ages 8 and up. The songs are fun, the lessons are well timed, never too difficult but always engaging, and they start encouraging students to write their OWN music, using the chord progressions provided!

If the student is a brand new beginning and isn’t so sure about piano, I just go with Alfred’s Later Beginning Series. It’s basically the same thing as Alfred’s Basic Piano Series (up above), but combined together to go faster.

 

Older Beginner

 

Adults:

I’ve only taught 3-4 adults over my time, and they usually have already had lessons but forgot it all. But if they haven’t learned anything yet, I’ve used this book as a comprehensive, all in one. Be ready to supplement though, because some of the tunes can be a bit dull. But it gets the job done!

Adult All In One Course

Supplemental (all ages):

Every piano teacher has a good supplemental library for their kids, depending on their needs. John Schaum’s Notespeller is my absolute favorite, hands down. If a kid is struggling with their notes, I copy pages from this or make them buy it. It is by far the best way to drill memorization of notes, AND it’s been around for decades. Tried and true.

Notespeller

For the little guys, this “Color By Note” book works for memorization!

Notespeller coloring

 

Hanon is the piano leader in finger exercises and drills. Playing these is like lifting weights at the gym for your piano playing.

Hanon

 

If I’ve identified that my student wants to branch out a bit in the world of jazz, this is always my first go-to book. The songs are SO fun, and also a little challenging. An intermediate student might find them too easy, however.

Meier

 

If I am finding a classical song for one of my beginning students, I check Keith Snell’s Books first. He has lots of different arrangements, and a series of around 40 books to choose from– everything from Early Romantic, to Baroque and Classical. ANY level could find a book that worked for them as a supplement.

Snell

 

For the more serious students, I always go back to my trusty Bastien series that I worked on as a child. Volume Three (pictured) is my favorite, since it houses the classical songs that every kid wants to play, like “Fur Elise” and “Solfriegetto”.

Bastien Intermediate

 

Last but not least, there is David Lanz– my muse. I idolized him as a child. Go look up some of his songs on Youtube– you’ll cry. Every kid wants to play songs from this book, and they make good recital pieces! They vary from super fast and hard to slow and sweet.

 

David Lanz

If you have any questions about any other book, feel free to ask!

The Blessings After Foster Parenting

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I had a different post planned for today, but this morning’s events at Urgent Care caused me to re-evaluate my priorities and thoughts, you know? Hospitals and illness have a way of doing that.

I’ve spoken many times about the trauma and sorrow adoption/foster care has caused us, but I’ve been remiss in that I haven’t talked about any of the blessings from foster parenting and how our experience has changed our way of thinking about life.

For starters, after seeing what can occur when someone’s parents aren’t there for them in their formative years, I am more grateful than I’ve ever been for my own mother and father. It’s easy to look at our parents and their mistakes because that’s what kids do— watch and learn. The criticism comes with the territory, I suppose. But my parents were there for me my entire childhood. They are still there for me today. I know that if I am in trouble or hurting, they will move mountains in order to help.  And they don’t just “rescue” or “comfort” me– they want to spend time with me! I get to have a relationship with them, now that I’m older.

Many people could say this about their families. But coming from a privileged and sheltered background, I don’t think I’d ever confronted the reality that there are probably more people who CAN’T say this about their parents than those who can. I am so grateful for my upbringing and the unconditional love I was always blanketed with. I can never quantify what this has meant for me.

Secondly, after seeing how traumatized many foster children are, I’m grateful for my boys. I’ve been given a new appreciation for how loving they are and how willing they are to accept love. I always just assumed this was natural, until I experienced what it’s like when it’s completely foreign. Encountering any sort of attachment disorder gives one newfound respect for every single person out there who’s opened themselves up to the scary possibility of loving and being loved. Every time my boys race to hug me– every time I hear AJ sleep-talking about, “Momma”– every time Gregory flips out in anticipation of going over to his grandparents’ houses– I thank God for how normal they are. I am so grateful that God hasn’t yet allowed any trauma into their young and formative years.

Thirdly, after being denied the opportunity of being an adoptive/foster parent, I’m grateful for every day that I get to spend as the mother of my boys. All the late nights and early mornings, all the crazy changes my body’s been through, all screaming temper tantrums, ALL OF IT is such a blessing. I get to be their mom. There is no higher calling, no greater privilege. Sometimes, being denied that privilege in a specific case makes one realize how lucky you really are. It makes me realize that God’s calling for my life can outweigh any momentary rejection.

Lastly, I’m grateful for normal, ho-hum boring days. Until you’ve lived in the chaos of a foster care situation for months on end, wondering at every moment when a new crisis is going to blow up, you don’t really appreciate the peace and grace of the normal. There are days where I wake up with the boys, play, put them down for their naps, wait for Jesse to come home, and we eat a peaceful dinner together as a family. And I get to think to myself, “we are so blessed”. Some foster kids have NEVER experienced one day like this, let alone weeks. No crisis. No danger. No screaming arguments or violence. Just love.

Overall, this experience has taught me to hold my family close, and never take one wonderful moment with them for granted. Every sweet hug and kiss from my affectionate boys should be cherished, never overlooked.

I’ll end with a quote from a Matt Walsh article about Bullying and High School Peer Pressure:

“What you’ll realize when you’re an aging, grizzled, world weary 27 year old like me, is that family is far more important than friends. We are only capable of having a limited number of close, meaningful, intimate human relationships. People who waste their quota on their peers at the expense of their family will regret it one day.”

Such a good reminder, when our culture is so focused on more facebook friends, more mommy friends, more church groups. Really, all that matters is your family and a close group of friends that could pretty much be counted as relatives. The rest is just icing on the cake.

Sick sick sick

It’s funny how easy it is for me to post about my kids and their struggles, yet it’s difficult for me to admit when I’m struggling.

I’ve had a sinus infection for two weeks now. As much as I detest medication, I was desperate and tried one antibiotic, and it slowed down the symptoms but didn’t eradicate them. Every day, the severe headaches and earaches made me unable to function, so I took Ibuprofen as well to dull the pain.

That was two weeks ago. Last Friday, I woke up with a severe stomach ache. I wondered if it was a pre-curser to the flu, but hours went by without any nausea. I figured I must’ve eaten some soy or gluten (the symptoms are similar), and quickly eliminated everything slightly suspicious from my diet.

Days went by, and instead of getting better, as food allergies do, things got worse. By Sunday, the burning pain in my stomach was so bad I couldn’t stand or eat. I kept saying to Jesse, “it feels like I’ve swallowed a burning coal!”

With the help of my mom (an ICU nurse) and the internet, we semi-self diagnosed and figured that I probably had a stomach ulcer, either from the Ibuprofen, or from a separate bacteria (h.pylori). My mom came to babysit this morning and I headed to our local health clinic as soon as humanely possible this morning. They did a bunch of tests on me, gave me a new prescription for the sinus infection, and told me to wait for the results. Meanwhile, they want me taking Prilosec to decrease the stomach acid.

Honestly, I’m hoping that it’s an ulcer (as weird as it sounds), because with time and a little help, those heal on their own. What I’m really worried about is anything gallbladder related (they wanted an ultrasound of my stomach for this reason). I have never had any sort of surgery, and really don’t want to start now!

I’ll be back posting later this night, seeing as I’m supposed to rest and kick back for a while. The reality of the situation, however, is that I really need to make it my piano lessons tomorrow afternoon.

Also, I have a toddler and a baby! Gregory has been so sweet, kissing my stomach to “make the boo-boo better”, and keeps trying to climb up and get my Tums from a shelf, saying, “Iz Momma’s Med-sin! Feel better and have fun wit me, o-tay?”