Comments on: Foster Care–Guilt and Messing With The Birth Order

By: themrscone

themrscone — Wed, 15 Jan 2014 19:09:40 +0000

Peg, I’m so glad that it comes close to understanding your experience. I am following you now as well, because I’d love to read about someone a bit further down the road! I can’t imagine the pressure of adopting family! No going back, it seems. My prayers and encouragement are with you.

By: Peg

Peg — Wed, 15 Jan 2014 14:48:22 +0000

We adopted 2 of my nieces after their parents (my sister and her husband) were killed in a car accident. We also have 3 boys of our own. We now have 5 kids ages 17, 13, 13, 11, and 6. Our oldest son is the same age as our younger niece. First, he is no longer the oldest which is weird. Then he has to share all of his “firsts” with his cousin which can be hard on both him and us as his parents. It’s been a real challenge for all concerned to say the least. I’ve really enjoyed reading your blog because posts like this come close to understanding our experience. There aren’t may blogs about adopting your nieces after your sister died and when you already have 3 children…trust me I’ve looked. I often feel really guilty for how our decision has impacted our boys. I know it was the right thing to do, but it’s still hard. Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. It helps even though our situation is different.

By: themrscone

themrscone — Wed, 15 Jan 2014 05:07:44 +0000

Thanks! I loved reading yours today as well!

By: Michelle

Michelle — Wed, 15 Jan 2014 00:53:41 +0000

As a mom of four bio kids I can’t even imagine the extra stress/guilt of 2 foster kiddos. Thank you for sharing this and helping two children have a better life. I love reading your blog!

By: themrscone

themrscone — Tue, 14 Jan 2014 18:22:51 +0000

Rebecca, I probably shouldn’t be the one to do it, you’re right, mostly because of the time commitment involved. My sister in law has looked into doing something like this for a big over-arching project in her M.S.W. program.

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Tue, 14 Jan 2014 18:20:23 +0000

My first thought about the online forum is YES, and my second thought is, you really shouldn’t do it yourself. The legal implications, the cost of setting it up, the administration of it would be a full time job for several people, and I’m just saying this as the wife of someone who works for a company that does this sort of thing, it’s a lot of work.

Have you considered babycenter.com? I have a mom group there that is very active and I LOVE it. It’s as anonymous as you want it to be, and if there isn’t a foster care support group already, you can create one! They take care of the hosting, administration and website maintinence, you just get the end product. I’m just a member of my birth club, but I used to be part of a infertility club and a GERD club and they were very helpful.

By: themrscone

themrscone — Tue, 14 Jan 2014 17:48:20 +0000

Seana,

I think that the knowledge that one “should” feel terrific because one is doing such a good thing is what causes the guilt, especially in the day to day grind when things get tough. It’s easy to lose sight of what made you want to serve, because things can become such a whirlwind and before you know it, you’re second guessing everything. Some of this is because the “system” is notoriously hard to work with. Sometimes, things start out one way and then DSS demands unreasonable things. I have a friend going through this very same thing, and I heard her expressing many of the same doubts and fears that I had our first time around. It can quickly become a place of trauma for a foster parent, which is why more good people don’t do it.

Then there’s also the spiritual warfare surrounding foster care, which is very very real.

By: Seana Turner

Seana Turner — Tue, 14 Jan 2014 13:39:07 +0000

Wow… first, this is a very astute observation. And being able to identify and define an issue ALWAYS helps in dealing with it. But I have to tell you, I’m so surprised to hear about the guilt struggle. I’m feeling guilty because I haven’t taken in a foster child. You should feel TERRIFIC — and these are some very lucky kids to be in a family that cares so much.