Hybrid Mommy

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I’ve been really torn and struggling with something, so I thought I’d put it out there and see if anyone has any advice.

There are the occasional times when I think to myself, “I truly have the best of both worlds.”

Two days a week, I get to 100% stay at home with my kids, wake up with them, spend the day playing, have lunch, put them down for their naps, all without having to worry about the clock. While they’re sleeping, I get to write, read, or clean up around the house (with a toddler who wants to do EVERYTHING himself, it’s usually the latter).

On the other hand, I also get to have a career. Not a job, a career! I get to teach English literature and writing, which has always been my dream. Not only that, but my husband gets to teach with me! We spend our evenings “prepping” for the coming days, discussing books, writing techniques, and how to better prepare our students for living Godly lives. While I’ve sometimes felt like he’s encroaching on my “turf”, so to speak (um, hello, newcomer to MY English world!), I recognize that we’ll never have to be one of those couples who says, “Oh, what did you do today?” We get to share it all!

Thanks to my awesome boss, who partially designed the class schedule around me, I work 10:40-12:10 M,W, Th, and then 12:45-2:15 M and Th. She did this to give me the ability to run home and nurse (good thing we live 90 seconds away!). She even scheduled classes so that Jesse’s prep period is when I’m teaching. If something ever happens with the boys, I have a sub right there. Thanks to this schedule, we will probably never need to use any of the milk I’ve pumped/stored! I also have awesome family to fully cover my babysitting needs!

In the evenings, I also teach piano lessons in short 30-60 min. clumps, here and there (about 6 hrs./week). This enables us to save close to $1500/month!

So I definitely acknowledge that God has poured out abundant blessings on us. I honestly don’t know how we got so fortunate. We don’t deserve it, that’s for sure.

That being said…being a “Hybrid Mommy” has it’s own unique set of challenges. I never get to fully immerse myself in one or the other. For example, I don’t get a lunch on Mondays and Thursdays– instead, I am running home in between classes to nurse Anthony. I am constantly juggling babysitters and feeding schedules, managing our bills, groceries and dinner schedule, cleaning the house and doing all the laundry, while ALSO creating lesson plans, grading papers and taking notes on books. In the evenings, I am running my piano business, which involves much more than just teaching. I feel like each is a full-time job, yet I’m forced to do them all in half the time.

Basically, this is an emotional rant more than a logistical one. I can do this without too much hardship. But I feel so torn between both worlds. It’s really hard to both work AND be a stay at home Mommy. I don’t think I ever realized that until now.

I also want to be fully present wherever I am. This is SUPER CHALLENGING when being a Hybrid Mommy. When I’m with my boys, I have to be thinking about what I need to get prepared for tomorrow in order to be ready for class. When I’m with my students, I am wondering in the back of my mind if the boys are okay without me (they are, 99% of the time. Gregory practically crapped his pants with joy when “NANA” came to the door yesterday!).

In fact, as part of my “first day” speech yesterday, I said, “Instead of spending time with the 2 most important little people in my life, I’m here teaching you guys English. It’s not because I need the money, it’s because I believe in what I’m doing. So don’t you DARE let me catch you dissing my class or my subject.” (I think I scared them, just a little bit 🙂 )

So it’s definitely hard to remain present, especially because I don’t compartmentalize well. I find myself wishing I was one or the other– a Fulltime working Mom, or a Fulltime Stay at Home Mom. But I know this isn’t me. I would (and have!) gone crazy just being home all day, and I would go crazy missing my boys if I didn’t get to see them until dinner time. I can’t imagine not being a Mommy, and I can’t imagine not being a teacher.

I’m very fortunate to have a husband who believes whole-heartedly that I belong in both worlds. He encourages me often, saying that because God gave me such a wide array of gifts and he would be sad not to see me use them. That definitely takes the pressure off.

But I still wonder if I am really doing justice to either job.

Then again, aren’t we all “Hybrid Mommies” of a sort? Being a mother requires one to always be multi-tasking. It’s always a challenge to remain “present”.

Does anyone else deal with this? It’s not quite “Mommy guilt”…but I can’t put my finger on what it is. Perhaps, simply put, it’s just, “Life”?

Anniversary #6!

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6 years ago today, Jesse and I vowed to spend the rest of our lives together. Boy, do we have plenty of adventures to show for those years! Not to mention our adorable offspring.

Jesse knows me so well that he picked the best restaurant ever for the occasion– Thomas Hill Organics in downtown Paso. They grow their own produce at their farm outside of Paso, and buy everything else locally. Their menu changes weekly, depending on availability. SO ME right now!

After a great dinner with one AWESOME glass of wine and even some beer, we left to rescue my mom and sister from AJ…you see, they offered to babysit. I left a frozen bag of milk, PLUS I pumped some right before leaving (he was asleep). Well, whaddya know, he doesn’t want to take a bottle anymore? Hmm. Granted, he’s only had 4 in his entire life, but his last one was only a few days ago! This little development should make things scary interesting for the next 8 months! Although it has the potential to be a logistical nightmare, a part of me kind of likes that he only wants me…

Anyways, back to rescuing my mom and Janelle from the screaming baby. They drove the 15 minutes to meet us in Paso, so we didn’t need to go far. I was able to nurse AJ (he nursed like he’d never nursed before, seriously. The kid GUZZLED like a tropical fern suddenly transported to the Sahara Desert), then give him back to my mom who drove him home.

The end of our date consisted of getting some frozen yogurt and reminiscing about the past 6 years and setting relationship goals for the next year (c’mon, it’s not a “Cone” date unless there are goals…).

As we drove back, I remarked to Jesse how COOL it is that we have 9 years of memories (6 married, 1 engaged, 2 dating) to look back on. Yup, it’s pretty neato.

Just so you can see how awesome and creative the menu was!

It’s such a cute little restaurant!

The wine was absolutely incredible.

Kale/avocado/mushroom salad

Jesse’s pizza with amazing cheeses that I can’t even pronounce

Trader Joe’s

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One more reason to love living in a small town– everyone is extremely kid friendly and patient!

For the past few weekends, Gregory and I have gone on a “date” to Trader Joe’s for a few groceries. He has an absolute blast! I love it because it gives me the chance for some one-on-one time with my first little love. We even have a special song that we sing: “Gregory and Mamma, going to the store! going to the store! going to the store!”

They have these adorable kiddie carts!

Instead of pushing two carts, we put all the groceries in his! He was actually REALLY good at maneuvering this all around a semi-crowded store. He wouldn’t let me help him push in the slightest though, so I was a little nervous at times (two words: wine.aisle.).

The cashier was so kind and friendly, letting Gregory hand him the groceries one by one, asking all sorts of questions, making G feel grown up and useful.

At the end, they have a kiddie play station, so Gregory and I pushed the trucks for a few minutes before heading home

I Work Out

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Although I’ve worried many times about how exercising will affect my milk production for Baby Anthony, Jesse and I have decided that it is absolutely essential for me to keep as a priority in my life.

True confession (that probably deserves its own post someday): I’ve been struggling hardcore with post-partum depression for the past month or so. All the crazy post-baby hormones have kicked in– my hair has been shedding like crazy, I feel like crying 99% of the day for no reason at all (and when there IS a reason…look out….), I feel sleepy ALL the time, despite the fact that Anthony sleeps through the night with small “dream” nursing sessions that neither of us really wake up for (so thankful for our co-sleeper!), I feel anxious and panicky almost all the time, and, most notably, I’ve become SUPER SUPER forgetful. As in, I lose my keys once a day (not like me), I pour a glass of water because I’m thirsty, then walk away looking for my glass of water….it’s bad.

I would like to say, first and foremost, that Jesse has been a Rockstar Husband through all of this. He is kind, patient, and hears out every irrational emotional storm. I think that dealing with someone who is depressed must be a lot harder than other trials, because it means you have to withstand the everyday. But instead of wearing down, Jesse has been stronger and more supportive than ever. In the spirit of seeing something good come from this, it’s that I become more and more assured, every single day, that I am Jesse’s first priority and that he will always be there to help me, no matter what.

But enough about that. Working out has been a HUGE help to me throughout this process. I’m making sure to eat plenty of (healthy) calories, and I’m checking my weight often to make sure I don’t lose any, so hopefully this won’t have any adverse side effects in the long run. I will say, however, that although I’ve made sure not to LOSE weight, I feel and look so much different than I used to! Almost all of my old clothes fit, and it definitely helps with my energy.

A rare picture of Anthony and I together

Here has been the routine that I have stuck with semi-faithfully for the past 3 weeks:

Cardio: I hate doing cardio, but I have established a habit of swimming laps at the gym 2-3x/week. I broke out my old swim team suit from the 7th grade (yes, I still fit in it! How weird, now that I think about it…). I can actually swim sets for 30 minutes straight, with small 30 second breaks in between each 100m! Take THAT 4 months post-partum!

This isn’t me, but I thought it was a funny picture :)

Strength: Okay– the name is TOTALLY silly. But this DVD WORKS. Even when I was in shape, I couldn’t walk for a day after I tried this thing. I’ve counted over 100 squats in the strength routine. My arms are like rubber afterwards…so tired!

Abs: Pilates are the BEST. By far. I lost an inch around my waist over these past 3 weeks, just by doing Pilates! I try for 20 minutes, 2-3x/week.

Flexibility: Last, but not least, I told you that Jesse and I are just starting to try out yoga. He does it every day, and I join in once or twice a week. We’ve used:

Anything by Shiva Rea is gold. Jesse found a bunch of free workouts online and put them on a DVD

Rodney Yee’s power yoga is HARD…we haven’t *quite* worked up to this pose yet!

Jesse’s also used the P90x Yoga, but I haven’t dared….

That’s it for now!